Monday, September 14, 2015

When Conflict Comes

Conflict in life is just inevitable. There are always going to be hard times and hard situations for us to navigate through. Sometimes we've been really hurt by someone, and other times we've been the one causing hurt. We live in a broken world where people are going to mess up and let each other down. I very much love my husband and my job, our families and our home. But you know what? Things aren't always perfect, and neither are we. There are going to be disagreements, or times when  tough conversations with my hubby, a friend, a co-worker, or a family member just need to be had. If these aren't handled and voiced, we can bottle things up until we explode. But how do we go about initiating and handling that in a way that still shows love and grace towards the other person? How do we take responsibility for our own actions while taking steps towards a positive change? Let's work through it together.


Two years of marriage have taught me a lot more about myself than I could ever have dreamed. I am a flawed and selfish person, and one who often has to battle in order to not feel jealous or compare myself to others. I'm a stubborn oldest child, which can lead to issues when my husband calls me out on things that are very valid. I get defensive and tend to retreat or shift the blame. I'm aware of this now, and I'm striving to make a change. So hold me accountable, okay friends? Again, one of the main hearts for this space is to be real and transparent in hopes of uniting and encouraging each other in a desire to live fully, love fiercely, and learn fearlessly. All of these things sound great, but can be pretty dang hard to live out sometimes. Conflict just happens, and it's going to anytime you put two people with different ideas in the same room.

Whether it's in a friendship, marriage, roommate, co-worker, or any type of relationship setting,  here are five steps to try when handling conflict:


1. Be real with others, no matter how hard it is. Recognize it's okay to not be okay.
I remember telling my hubby that I cried way more with him than I had ever cried with anyone else. He was upset by this, but I told him it was actually a compliment because I was able to let down my guard and be exactly myself with him. It is so encouraging and relieving to let others know how you're really doing. They may never even know you're feeling like something's off unless you have the courage to tell them. They definitely can't make a problem better if they don't know there is one. And never underestimate the power of a good cry, even if it's at Olive Garden over soup and salad (I may be speaking from experience). Break down your wall and be real with someone about the conflict you're feeling or experiencing. Don't bottle it up.

2. Figure out what's really the heart of the matter, and examine your heart.
It can be so hard as women to figure out what's really wrong. I tell Aaron that I just don't know sometimes, but that I'll let him know when I figure it out. One area of conflict for us lately has been laundry, which led me to realize that I want so badly to do everything well but I feel a little overwhelmed right now. And that led me to hold a grudge against Aaron for the time he has at home when I'm not there, time that he should be using in ways that I view to be productive (though he is being productive already). The heart of the matter isn't the clothes in the dryer or on the floor, it's our differing views on expectations of household roles while I'm coaching. And once I realized that, and saw that my heart was assuming the worst, we could talk through it. Take a moment to trace things back. What's really wrong? Where is your heart at?



3. Take responsibility for what you have done and can change.
If only this were easy...especially for my stubborn self. Taking a breath and really reflecting on how I have been a part of the problem is so huge. The only person we ever really have full control over is ourself, and it is our choice to do something to make it better. This is where vulnerability and honesty come in, and are so very important. Even if you have to stop and cool off first, admitting your fault in the situation is so necessary. Though the other person may be equally at fault, focus on what you've done and how you can change it. Though the other person may not be willing to make a change, you have the ability and responsibility to do what you can, and to show them grace. In my situation, I realized that it wasn't fair to Aaron to have these expectations for him when he was working on cars and other things. My heart was bitter.  What do you need to own up to? What can you change?

4.  Decide on your action steps to change things. Set goals and put your plan in motion.
Actions speak louder than words, and so we've got to make sure they're bringing us towards change. Think about what needs to happen in order to improve things, and then make it happen. Set a couple of small goals and give yourself a deadline to accomplish them. This way, you can't just keep thinking and talking about things; they actually get done. Laundry wise, my goal was to have no more wrinkled, half finished loads so Aaron can look snazzy at work. Action step? Be better about putting laundry in at times when I can easily switch it out, or communicate with Aaron when I need his help to do so. Boom! Half way there already! What are your goals and action steps to make things better?

5.  Take time to be with the Lord and continue to make Him a priority.
I just can't emphasize enough how truly important this one is. Without a strong relationship with the Lord, we can't have strong relationships with others. If we aren't loving Him well, how are we going to love those around us well, those who may let us down? In all honestly, I've been struggling a bit with my quiet times lately, and I have truly seen that in the way I've handled conflict and confrontation. If I'm not checking in with God on a daily basis, it's much easier to slip into focusing on myself, and not showing kindness towards others. This is another goal of mine, with action steps to get back on track. To help, I downloaded Proverbs 31 Ministries' First 5 App at the recommendation of a friend, and I am now using it in the morning to be the first thing I do every day. It even has an alarm! How can I hear the whispers of God with all of the shouts of this world? It takes effort and must be a priority. How are you doing in your time with the Lord? Do you see it affecting your relationships and conflict resolution?


None of us are perfect. We are all broken people in need of the grace and love of a savior. Shouldn't we show this same grace to others? Let's admit our brokenness, and share moments when we aren't okay with others. Let's be real and take real steps towards handling times of conflict in a positive way and making a change for the better. Are you with me? Join the community with our newsletter today, or join us on Facebook! I'd love to hear your thoughts, ideas, struggles, and successes in the comments below, or privately on the contact form. I'm sharing my heart in a desire to get better. Are you?

Currently,
Kelsie

39 comments:

  1. This is a wonderful post. Thanks for the great advice and keep things pointed at Christ. We are writing about conflict too today and I'll be sharing this post with our readers to go along with ours! http://maidservantsofchrist.blogspot.com/2015/09/bouts-of-conflict-jesus-our-referee.html#more

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    1. Well Helene, you just made my day! Thanks so much. What perfect timing to be sharing stories about conflict today. I really appreciate your sharing it with your readers! Heading over to visit your blog right now!

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  2. Oh, the timing of this. Life at my in-law's house is growing more tense by the day. Not because they're hard to live with, but because I'm selfish about wanting my space and my time and my things. I'm thinking you shared this today pretty much exclusively for me and the way I've been interacting with my patient husband lately.

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    1. It was totally meant to be, Abby :) I can only imagine how hard that must be. I would be the same way I'm sure, especially with time and things. Thankfully we have patient hubbys who love us through it, and we can encourage and hold each other accountable in this! Hopefully some of these ideas help and work for you. Excited to hear how it goes, and I'll be praying for peace and patience in the situation!

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  3. Oh Kelsie, I love this. And you. Thank you for bravely coming and sharing -authentically. Each point speaks to me, straight to my heart. (To the point that I wanted to pick each one as my favorite!) thank you, Kelsie. Truly.

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    1. Thanks so much, Ashley. You're way too sweet! It is definitely a challenge to share these types of thing, but I feel it is the heart of the blog, and that God is calling me towards it as I keep myself in check. I'm so glad that each point speaks to you, that's really encouraging! Thanks again for your kind words, writing this post was worth it with those words alone. So thankful that it touched your heart!

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  4. Girl I totally feel you. This is so vulnerable, and that's probably one of my biggest issues when conflict comes: being vulnerable. As a perfectionist, I have a hard time accepting any type of criticism, even if it is warranted. It definitely helps me to switch my mind into prayer during conflict and remind myself of my imperfections. Thank you for sharing this!

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    1. Vulnerability in conflict is so dang hard, but totally worth it. And I feel like it gets easier and easier. I'm right there with you- a perfectionist at heart that has to realize that I'm not perfect and that I need to take constructive criticism with grace and patient. Prayer is oh so important, you're right on there. Thanks for stopping by!

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  5. I love #2 and #5 and feel like they're so connected! When we're in the heat of the moment and frustrated by situation (for y'all it's laundry, for us it's pretty much always been dishes), it's so hard to look beneath the surface and figure out where our hearts are. I love that you were able to identify that the root of the conflict was that your expectations had shifted since your schedule changed with coaching. So wise! :) I really do love these tips, Kelsie...thanks for sharing!

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    1. Yes yes yes, 2 and 5 are totally connected! I have to always remind myself of that (and I can totally tell why I'm struggling when I am). Oh, dishes and laundry. Good times haha. Yes, it took me a bit but I definitely could see the heart behind it much more quickly than I thought I could. You're too sweet. Thanks for reading!

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  6. This is a wonderfully honest post. The first few years of marriage can be incredibly difficult. Good for you for fighting through them and choosing an great path for the good of your marriage.

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    1. Thank you, T! Agreed, they can be very challenging, but also so very worth it! Thanks for the encouragement- it is definitely something worth fighting for :)

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  7. Kelsie, Thank you so much for sharing your heart about the area of conflict as well as your insights on how to work through conflict.

    Anyone who knows me has heard me say, "If I don't know what's wrong, I can't fix it." Unfortunately, I don't always live by those words and share what is bothering me with others. Sometimes I do, but usually it's when I've let it pent up for too long and then it comes flying out. It's not pretty.

    The insight that you shared, "The only person we ever really have full control over is ourself, and it is our choice to do something to make it better. " hit my like an ah ha moment, even though I know it deep down, but it is good to be reminded of it - and in my case, daily.

    Thank you for sharing such an edifying post.

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    1. Karen, well you just made my night :) Thanks so much for reading, and for your words of encouragement. I think it's very hard to be vulnerable about what is bothering us sometimes. I totally am an "exploder" if I don't share what I'm really feeling ahead of time. I'm so very glad you had an AHA moment! I also need reminders like this on a daily basis :) Thanks again for stopping by!

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  8. I particularly liked the "take responsibility for what you have done and can change" step. People can only control themselves, but we like to pretend and try to control other people and situations as well. Great reminder!

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    1. Yes, Grace! That is a huge one for me. I can't make excuses for others, but my own actions are inexcusable. I have to be willing to set aside my pride and humble myself in this way, even if others won't. It's not all about looking better than them. It's about honesty and doing what's right in a loving way.

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  9. Kelsie, good points. The first few years of marriage are tough! And relationships in general are not always easy. It's important and necessary to know how to handle things when they don't go our way, and having God as our center is the glue! Well said.

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    1. Thank you so much, Mary! I agree, they are tough, but so very worth it. I believe that relationships are tough so we can learn to humble ourselves and navigate conflict with others in a loving way, and in doing so, show the love of Christ to others graciously. I agree that God just has to be our center. Thanks for reading!

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  10. Thank you so much for sharing this. Conflict is such an important part of human interaction. You are so right about "taking responsibility." Conflict always has two sides. There is always something you can take responsibility for and sometimes that is just enough to open the door into forgiveness. Again thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thanks so much for reading, Elizabeth. I agree- it is an important ,trying part of interaction. Like you said, responsibility on our side, and how we handle things, is really all we can control. Showing forgiveness, love, and grace to others is honestly the best way to show them that we're living life differently, and loving others like Jesus does. Thanks for stopping by!

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  11. I love these steps. I think spending time with God is so important. I need to work on that. I blog and study the Bible to blog. I need to study the Bible to draw closer to Him. My husband is so important to me too. I need to remember priorities.

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    1. Thanks Mary! I agree- it's so important, and I also need to work on it. I think my priorities and my passions sometimes get out line with what is truly important. It's so easy to lose focus in this busy world. Let's hold each other accountable in this :)

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  12. Love this honest examination of your flaws and the grace we can turn to! You remind me of myself, determined to be right with my husband..but always wanting to do better!! Saw your post on Testimony Tuesday and so glad i visited! Love your suggestions, such a wonderful post!

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    1. Kathy, thanks so much for your words of encouragement. They mean so much. So glad that you've stopped by! And yes, I always want to do better, it's just giving that up to the Lord and actually making it happen :) Thanks again!

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  13. This is a wonderful post and so true! Thanks for linking up to #justanotherlinky xx

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  14. Thank you Kelsie for sharing. Wise words...

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  15. I recently heard in a sermon that marriage is a way to love Jesus. I've been married for 19 years and still learning how to love the way God wants me to. Thanks for being real!

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    1. Yes! You are so right, Valerie. Congrats on 19 years! I think it's always a learning process to love like Jesus did! Thanks for reading and sharing!

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  16. This is golden. My husband and I have been married for 8 months and have faced a surprising amount of conflict. This post is so realistic and real, and definitely very helpful. I feel better knowing I'm not alone!

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    1. Thanks so much, Annie! I'm glad it's helpful, and you are right- you're not alone. People don't always assume that, but many of us experience the same thing in marriage!

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  17. Great tips! So many people don't know how to handle conflict, but it's so important to be able to handle it well, for the heart and mind of all involved.

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  18. This was beautiful and thought provoking. I agree marriage really shows you so much about yourself.

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  19. What a great post, girl! I strongly believe that sometimes a good cry is in order. I think learning to deal with conflict comes with practice. In my first relationship about 5 years ago, I wasn't the best at handling situations. Now with my fiance, we have really improved ways that we approach each other. We both have tempers and need to constantly work hard at not flying off the handle and discussing things calmly.

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    1. Chelsea, thanks so much!! I am right there with you! It's great that you guys are already working through that- it's definitely a life long lesson and something to keep working on. Hope wedding planning is going well :)

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  20. Taking responsability is the most challenging part for me. I love to be right and hate to be wrong (who doesn't?). I'm working on it though!

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