Monday, June 5, 2017

First: A Letter to Eli

Dear Eli,

It's been three months since you joined this world. As you snooze peacefully on my chest, I simply can't imagine life without you and your sweet smiles. You fill holes within me that I never knew I had. I couldn't fall asleep last night as my mind raced through memories of our first three months together: you figuring out the world and me figuring out this whole mom thing. And what a joy it has been. You are the sweetest, happiest baby, and Daddy and I are so very blessed to have you. And so, my son, my firstborn, this letter is for you. It's for you to get a little glimpse of these days full of firsts that you won't remember, but I hope never to forget.


The first time I laid eyes on you. I loved you before I even met you, but when they told me to open my eyes to see you, I couldn't help but cry happy tears. Your little scrunched up face, your first cries, they just melted my heart instantly. Daddy yelled out, "It's a boy!", and then they laid you on my chest. You stared up at me with your beautiful blue eyes, peed on your towel, and captured my whole heart within seconds. I talked to you about working on cars with Daddy some day, and doing Boy Scouts or playing sports. I just knew we were going to be buddies, and we are.

Your first night in the hospital. I remember waking up the first night that I could no longer feel you inside of me. To be honest, I kind of missed those pesky kicks you were always giving me. I glanced over to the bedside and gazed in awe at your sweet little self snoozing in your bassinet. I couldn't quite believe you were mine. I couldn't believe we got to keep you. I couldn't believe you were here. Life would never be the same.


Bringing you home from the hospital. Shockingly, you didn't cry at all when we dressed you and put you in your car seat. You looked so tiny in your little "Mommy's Allstar" outfit, so innocent and so completely dependent upon us. You fell asleep within seconds. We even drove through the car wash on the way home, and you still didn't stir. We thought we had it made, that this was going to be so easy, that you were going to sleep like a champ all night. Boy were we wrong!

Your first night home. To be, honest, your daddy and I wondered what we had done. You refused to sleep until 5 am the next morning, and I felt so helpless and like a failure of a mom. I looked at the picture of me and Daddy in your room and told him, "They didn't have to worry about anything." I wasn't sure I was cut out for this new change and the challenges that came with it. And though it was hard and I felt like a complete zombie for a few days, feeding you around the clock, it was so so worth it. And then, little by little, you stretched your sleep. Each night we went another hour, and then another without having to wake up, until you were sleeping through the night at six weeks.


Your first smile. You've always been a cutie, and a pretty easy-going baby, but the first time that you looked up at me with those big blue eyes and gave me a big ole smile just melted my heart. We were actually at the doctor's office and I'd just fed you, and you seemed pretty happy about it. From there, your smiles have just gotten better and better. Your whole face lights up when you smile, sweet boy, and I love watching the joy that you have at the smallest things in life: me singing to you, playing with a toy, or even just seeing my face in the morning when I get you out of your crib. Don't ever lose that smile or zest for life.

Your first fever. This was not a fun first for Mommy. You got your two month shots and were pretty much a champ about it, but your poor legs swelled up later on and you got really fussy. I could tell you felt terrible and you didn't know why. It was so hard to see you in pain. Your fever got up to 101, but Dr. Rogers said it was okay to just do Tylenol unless you got up to 103. I felt so bad for you, but you felt better the next day and I was so thankful to see you back to your happy little self.

There have been lots of other firsts: first babysitter, first visit to church, first bath, and more. The list goes on and on, and I record these precious moments and memories in pictures and in your little monthly calendar. Nearly everything you do is a first because there is so much of this world that you have yet to experience and enjoy. But there are hard firsts that will come too, my sweet little man. First rejections, first timeouts, first heartbreaks and more. This world is broken and we are all far from perfect. And while I'm striving to enjoy each second and am in no rush to wish it all away, you know one first that will be pretty awesome? The first time you truly understand how much Jesus loves you. The first time you choose to follow Him on your own, not because Mommy and Daddy do. The first time you say yes to Him and no to the ways of the world. Because this world we brought you into is hard and confusing, yet full of joy because of the Lord and His great love for you.

And so, my little Eli, I hope that you always put Him first. I hope that you live big and bold and love others with all that you have. I am blessed to be along for all of your "firsts", and I'll cherish them all, even the hard ones. We love you so much, no matter what, and always will.

Love,
Mommy







3 comments:

  1. What a sweet letter! There's something so precious about those first few months of parenting. You've captured that beautifully for both you and Eli to read later.

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  2. My eyes are tearing up over here! This was so beautiful, Kelsie. There are so many firsts in that first year, and throughout the whole parenting journey. I especially related to your description of that first night home and wondering what on earth I had gotten myself into. I thought for sure I'd never sleep or feel rested again! I'm so glad to know that everyone was right when they said everything is only a season.

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  3. So sweet! Great that you're writing all of this stuff down to capture it. Time's just going way to fast! Congrats again, Kelsie!

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