- Realize that the strange scratchy sound you're hearing on the ceiling is in fact a live animal.
- Remove clothes from the closet and figure out how to get into the attic.
- Prepare the bravest member of your family for entry. Don't forget the baseball bat.
- Scream loudly and move attic door around so all animals are scared away.
- Climb through hole into attic and pull self up to look around by iPhone light.
- Locate hole where squirrels are getting in.
- Attempt to close hole. If possible, climb on roof to do so.
- Continue to hear noises. Proceed to step 9.
- Get poison. Place in attic.
- Wait. It may take days; it may take weeks.
- Find dead squirrel on the sidewalk as you are leaving for friend's wedding.
- Husband is gone, so work up the nerve to grab shovel and flip dead squirrel into your landscaping. Try not to stare at its still open eyes.
- Smell strange smell in house.
- Go into attic for recon.
- Have bravest member find dead squirrel and hand down in plastic bag to partner waiting below.
- Throw away, while trying not to think about the fact that you're holding a dead squirrel.
- De-stinkify your attic.
- Celebrate your success.