A Moment With A Thankful Twenty-Something: Learning That Marriage Is The Greatest Thing That You’ll Ever Do

Today's Moments Guest Post is from the lovely Kayla. Her words really demonstrate how important it is to model a good marriage for our children, which is especially important to me these days. I'm so excited to be sharing her ideas on the blog today. Check them out! 

Many think, in life, your children will be the greatest thing that you ever "do". They will be your legacy. They'll be the ones to live on when you're long gone. But in reality? Your marriage is probably the greatest thing that you'll ever do. When it comes to marriage, being happy is occasionally a dilemma. It is something that takes work, dedication, and a good attitude to learn that marriage is the greatest thing that you’ll ever do. Once things get bad, and a lot of mistakes are made, then often it can be difficult to clean up the mess. If you take steps to better your relationship before it becomes a mess, the issue of a happy marriage becomes a lot more attainable.

A Happy Marriage

Creating a happy marriage includes an understanding between two people that have an agreement and respect for one another to make a happy life and family together. A majority of arguments in relationships are disagreements on when and how to discipline children or how to utilize your money. Remember, your spouse is your partner, so you should both have an equal say so. Develop a plan together and follow through with it. Never do anything that will upset your partner. Take your agreement seriously, and they will appreciate you for it. Once you come to an agreement, you will also find that there is more trust, which is always a huge defining thing in a marriage. If you work together on a happy marriage, a happy family will follow. If you can do this as a couple and set an example for your children, they will learn by example. Learning by example will hopefully lead them to healthy communication with you and surrounding people.

Learning by Example

When you live with somebody and you have decided to share your life with somebody, you find things about that person that you didn't know before. As much as we like to believe that we are always right, we aren't. Finding a common way of communicating without losing control of the conversation is probably the hardest part. You want to avoid hurting feelings without holding back. This is simple; all you have to do is make an agreement that you will let each other have a chance to speak. Don't speak at all until your spouse is done speaking. It sounds harder than it is. Remember, never shout: it almost always escalates into something that could have been solved speaking in your regular voices. When people say things they regret, it is always hard to face that person because you know that you hurt them. Imagine doing this to someone you love so much. A common mistake couples make is telling their partner to leave in an argument. Almost nobody means this when they say it, so it's interesting that these are the choice of words we use in such an uncomfortable situation. When one person leaves in an argument, what ends up happening? The conversation is not over, and you will have to pick up where you left off, on an argument that was never finished. This can be ongoing and very painful, but easily avoided.

Little Mirrors

Your family should be the most important thing in your life, and you should treat it that way. Your children should never feel neglected, and they should never have to feel like you put your job or friends first. Your children are also mirrors of yourselves; they represent either good or bad parenting. Believe me; people know when they see a child that is a result of bad parenting. Kids are great, but having a great marriage is a great example as kids learn by example they are so easily influenced by the things you say or do, positive or negative. When you argue you should never argue around or in front of your children. A lot of mistakes parents make arguing in front of teenagers. They justify it by thinking the children are old enough to be exposed to that kind of behavior. This can affect their schooling or social life, and it is not healthy at all. You should dedicate one night a week where you spend time together. Not only will this start a family tradition your children will remember and pass on to their kids, but it also keeps your family connected.

The Glue

Lastly, it is important that before you and your spouse solve your problems together, you have to fix your individual problems first. After all, how can you fix your problem with your significant other if you have personal issues you haven't solve first? People expect that once they get married these issues can solve themselves. With this thinking, it can lead to divorce. It is important that you fix your personal issues first so that you won't take it on your spouse. Hiring a marriage counselor is a very important. This person can help you fix your marriage and can help your solve your issues with your spouse. Do not hesitate to hire one so that it can help you solve your problems and that person can even give your some tips on how to make your marriage stronger.

The Moral of the Story

When you and your spouse are happily married, your kids can see that and can be happy as well. If you're in your marriage 100%, not only will you benefit from it, but so will your children. Marriage is the greatest thing that you will ever do, not because you've found the love of your life, but because your family will also benefit from the love and respect that you share for each other. This is what my parents showed me when I was a kid. To be honest, I have a whole new respect for them. I am newly married and learning how to model my relationship after the one that shaped me. Their relationship wasn't perfect, but the constantly worked on it when it came to the tough times, I know that for a fact because they are still together. This whole marriage thing is tough. I never realized how tough it would be when I started this journey. My parents always told me that it would be the greatest journey that I ever took, but I never believed them until I was the one in the action. So here I sit, thankful for all the lessons and examples given to me. I was once the mirror and soon I will have little mirrors of my own. Thank you, mom and dad for showing me what a happy marriage looks like. To my hubby, this journey is wild but I am thankful to be here with you.

Source: Tagna Bilden Photography

Kayla is a content write for OurStart at the Income Store, located in a small town in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. When not working, you will often find her trying new foods, cuddling on the couch with there pup, or on adventures with her husband. Thanks for sharing, Kayla!

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A Moment with Jen: A Season of Singleness

Today's Moments guest post is from one of my very dearest friends. We literally go all the way back to before we can remember, as our parents were buds before the two of us were born. Jen is funny, kind, and incredibly intentional. I love our long walks and talks, endless memories, and the simple joy of being friends with someone so wonderful. I'm so honored to have her sharing her heart and her words so beautifully on a topic that is so relevant to so many of us: singleness. 

Sometimes I feel like Katherine Heigel in the movie 27 Dresses. Not in the sense that my friends are terrible at picking out bridesmaid's dresses (although it would make this post much more hilarious- endless photo shoot potential), but rather that I sometimes feel as if I will always be a bridesmaid, or better yet the professional wedding guest. Now hear me out, I LOVE celebrating my wonderful friends and you can't beat an epic dance party, am I right? But there are times when I'm lonely and feel as if I'm always going to be the single girl. Always going to be the girl who is given the plus one on the invitations; the girls who is attending all the engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, you name it party; the girl who had to get her own dates to dances in high school; the girl who never gets asked on a date; the girl who is the third, fifth, or seventh wheel.

Jen and Kelsie in June 2013

You thought this post was going to be a rant about and wallowing all about singleness. Nah, I'm done ranting and throwing my own pity party. Trust me, the good Father God and my journals have done enough of that. Today, I want to share with you the lessons I have learned and the blessings that have come with what I have started to refer to as my "season of singleness".

Lesson #1: I am not in control. Trust God's Plan.

Dear friends, I've heard so many times in sermons that God is in control. But why is it that we small humans think we are in control!?! We watch the perfect stories play out on movie screens and pages of novels. We trick ourselves into thinking that we have control and the ability to write this same perfect story.

In 2010, I was blessed to journey over to Kenya for a short-term mission trip with my campus ministry. Raising support for this once in a lifetime opportunity taught me about letting go and letting God. My biggest take-away from that trip: God is BIG, He brings hope to the hopefuls, and He is orchestrating beautiful stories in very differing circumstances. I have so much- the American dream, if you will- and these children that we met had next to nothing, but yet were the most loving and joyful individuals I had ever met. They talked of Jesus with such purity and hope. I will always treasure the memories created during this short two week trip. The children at the school gave each one of us a Maasai name. Perfectly, mine was "Noduata", which means "one who has hope". I'm not gonna lie, I've cried a time or two when I think about the deep meaning behind such a simple nickname.

I have to give up my stronghold on control almost daily and submit to God. Patience goes hand in hand with control. This word, "control", floods the pages of my journals. I get it. It's a lot easier said than done. I wholeheartedly believe God has a perfect plan for my life. Trusting in His timing and his goodness is all this hot mess of a girl can do.

"The Lord says, 'I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you." - Psalm 32:8 

Lesson #2: Rely on the love of God first. 

When I see the beautiful love stories of friends around me, it is easy to grow discontent and take my attention off of the Lord. I have to depend on His love and faithfulness daily. To be content where I am. I am a child of God. I am adored by the King. He has me for today.

The silver lining of singleness is that I have been protected from heartbreak. It hurts me when I see my friends heading down the path to heartbreak and then hurt even more when it is alive and well. Singleness has allowed me to be present in their lives, mend broken hearts, and just be the friend they need in their corner. I am oh so thankful to have been protected from this so far in life. Do I desire to be pursued by a man? Absolutely! But, when that day comes (if it's in God's plan), I can confidently rest in the fact that Jesus loves me more than any man on this Earth ever can.

"We love because He first loved us." - 1 John 4:19

"I love you, oh Lord, my strength." - Psalm 18:1

Lesson #3: Choose to glorify God in this season of singleness.

If you know me even a little bit, you probably know that for the last 10+ years I have pursued the discipleship of young people. I started leading middle schoolers as a high school student, which then flowed into being a small group leader in the awesome ministry of Kirksville K-Life, and now I get to love, mentor, and be ridiculous with the high school students of Vineyard Church (who we are endearingly calling our "boo boos"). The leaders and mentors that encouraged and invested in my life are a constant reminder of why I desire to do the same. 

This seasons of singleness allows my heart, not to mention my home and my time, to be more or less fully open to the lives of these remarkable teenagers. I get to walk beside them in their muck and their brokenness, but also in the really happy, exciting times. I get to laugh a lot and act like a younger version of myself. I get to embarrass myself by dancing like a fool (sometimes you got to step up to the streets). I get to listen to their hopes, dreams, wishes, tragedies, boy troubles, and hurts. I get to offer discernment and wisdom. But most importantly, I get to reflect this guy named Jesus to them.

"Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity". - 1 Timothy 4:12

Do you feel like the perpetually single friend in the group? You're not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. Cherish this special season of life and the freedom that comes with it. Don't waste it. So sweet friend, how can you be glorifying God in this season on singleness? Just something to pray and ponder... maybe even journal about it (I highly recommend it!). 

In the words of Queen Bey, "All the single ladies...Now put your hands up!

I love the way that Jen chooses to look at this season of singleness and see it as a time to love others and love God first with all she has. She has most definitely been a blessing to me and to many others, and I'm so grateful to have her sharing her story with such honesty today. You can find Jen on Instagram and Facebook. You are all loved, sweet friends, single or not. Let's not forget where our true worth and meaning lies: with the Lord. 

If you liked this Moments Guest Post, check out the others here. Have a story that you'd like to share on Currently, Kelsie? Contact me here with your idea!

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A Moment with Emma: How ''Me-Time'' Made Me a Better Parent

Today's guest post comes from Emma. She's a writer, a teacher, and a parent. Today, Emma shares her story on being a working perfectionist momma who learned how to give herself grace and the gift of "me-time" in order to be her best. Check out how she reconnected with, freed, and empowered herself in a way that can inspire any parent. Thanks for sharing your story, Emma!

As a working perfectionist mom, I quickly found out I was not able to do everything perfectly at once. I tried and it cost me my peace and my wellbeing and I was burnt out in my early thirties. In an attempt to juggle my work, parenting, and housekeeping, I was on the fast track of self-destruction. The only thing that saved me was scheduling time for myself only, my me-time. In a short while it turned out all other areas of my life improved as well, and made me a better mom, wife and worker. This is how.

I reconnected to the real me.

With the little ones running around, chores to be done and career to be advanced, I completely forgot who I was. I was a getting things done, but I could not feel pleasure, I didn’t remember my dreams, my interests, my joy. I was losing track of my soul. I started journaling and found an abandoned wounded woman inside. So I committed to her, I committed to never lose touch with my inner self and I continued talking to me via journaling. Slowly but surely my real self started showing up with all my quirks and unique traits and the kids noticed it. As I became more authentic in expressing who I really was, they honored me more and felt free to do the same and avoid conforming to stereotypes.

I let go of control.

I used to be the kind of mom who had to have control over everything the kids did and didn’t do, I had to know all about their free time activities and their friends. It was draining for all parties. Then I realized that they needed their own me-time just like I needed mine. I tried to focus on the pleasure I felt from doing my own thing without having to explain anything to anyone, and I decided it was worthwhile to get the kids started on their independence too. The younger ones were just about to start school when I discovered the magnificent Montessori system of education that lets kids be independent learners without much interference from teachers and parents. It was a wonderful opportunity for me to let go of control of their learning and let them develop in the best way for them, not according to my ideas.

Source

I empowered myself.

As I committed to myself, I discovered I would really have to make some changes in all areas of my life. I cleaned up my diet, took up yoga and meditation practice and started exploring and developing my latent talents in the form of hobbies. All of this made me feel emotionally and mentally stronger and I felt like a whole person again. My self-respect improved and my inner power rose. I found I was able to deal with everything in a much more efficient way, without feeling drained. I was able to be there for my kids in a better way than before and they knew they could rely on me for anything. The haggard drained version of me was replaced by a powerhouse of positive energy and that certainly taught my sons how to treat themselves.

I realized that if I wanted to have strong, healthy, powerful and independent children, I needed to become all of that myself and be the best role model I could. In order to achieve that, devoting time to myself was necessary and well worth it.

Emma is a teacher, and is constantly improving her skills both as a teacher and as a parent. She is passionate about writing and learning new things that can help you to lead a quality life. You can follow her on Twitter here! She also regularly contributes to High Style Life.

If you liked this Moments Guest Post, check out the others here. Have a story that you'd like to share on Currently, Kelsie? Contact me here with your idea!

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A Moment with Liz: Being the Bigger Person

Wow. Today's "moment" is inspirational, hard, and encouraging- all at the same time. My friend Liz, from Western New Yorker is sharing her heart in a big way, as she tells her journey of abuse, motherhood, and the constant choice to "be the bigger person" who refused to give up on her dreams. Here is her story about the will to succeed and the refusal to let anything break her. Thanks for sharing, Liz!

I have always been the bigger person. It has not always been the easy road, but it is the road I take.  Even as a child I felt this way. My childhood consisted of my father molesting me.  I do not say that for dramatic effect but rather to hit home this next sentence: “It did not break me”.  He did not break me. During this time children my age dreamed of becoming a Rockstar or Singer, I wanted to become a Mom. This drove me to be something more. It willed me to get through that in my life.

Above all things, I wanted to have the family that I desperately lacked as a child. As I write that, my son is off in the distance, sounding me back to reality. He wants my attention for a creation he has made. I give it to him. Yes, I wanted this, a walking part of me. What a privilege it is to call him mine.  I am not saying he is a piece of real estate or property but that it is a privilege I take seriously.

I knew I always wanted to be a Mom, as I said. As I grew older, I learned of my family’s history for Cancer and that my body was against me. I tried IVF. I had a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy. I did not let that break me. When it came time to throw in the towel, I was facing another trial or a hysterectomy. My relationship was over; I would be doing this as a single mother now.

I just want to stop here and say the loss of a child is unbearable. Whatever you believe if those “situations” were cells or babies is not important so much as to me they were real. I loved them. I was excited over them and I lost them, each one.

I could tell you all the trials I had with my son while I carried him but I will keep it to just one. I was five months along and he was ready. Less than one pound, my son, was ready to come out. I was mercy flighted to Children’s Hospital. They located me in a room, near other soon to be mothers. They screamed and bellowed of how they never wanted kids. I prayed, I cried, I pleaded for him to stay in. Unlike them I wanted to be a mother.

Some would say I am stubborn. Now, normally I would fight this statement with gusto! But, I suppose that just reiterates that I am in fact, AT TIMES, stubborn. Luckily, for me my son has inherited that trait and we made it one day before his due date (one of life’s victories).

On my three week checkup I was told I was thrown out of remission and I would start radiation. This broke me! For the first time in my life someone else depended on me. And I wasn’t going to be there to grow up with him. I had in my eyes, already let him down. How could I be so selfish?

That was but one rock in the path that leads us to today. I have had two clean bills of health and my bundle of joy now can run circles around me at age six. As I watch him play, I leave you with these encouraging words:

Do not let, whatever ails you, beat you. Being the bigger person is not the easy road but it is the road you should take. I promise you that, my stories, are proof life is NOT absolute. It is ever changing and we are every growing. If I had given into my past, my nightmares, my fears this family I have now would not be here. Some say we dream things into life and that my friend is what I feel I have done. As cheesy as that sounds! I did not let it break me and neither should you.

Liz Cleland is a roaming blogger who calls Western New York her home. She blogs on life, food, and adventures over at Western New York. You can follow along with her on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. 

If you liked this Moments Guest Post, check out the others here. Have a story that you'd like to share on Currently, Kelsie? Contact me here with your idea!

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Kelsie

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A Moment with Lauren: Life After Trauma

I so admire my friend Lauren's bravery in sharing her story with us all in today's Moments Guest Post. Lauren is graciously sharing her heart and her words with us today, and I am so inspired by her vulnerability and the way in which she has chased hard after the Lord in the hardest of times. Her story is worth reading. 

When Kelsie first mentioned this series, I wanted to take part, but didn't originally think of writing about life after PTSD or living with trauma. I have mentioned it in passing on my personal blog, but to really talk about my life with PTSD, I would have to talk more about what caused it and I was scared to do that. I was also terrified to talk about life “after” PTSD, because I am still in the middle of living it.

However, then a few news stories hit the media, questioning the validity of a person's PTSD and the honesty behind a sexual assault case. I'm not big on writing commentary on social and political events. It's outside my comfort zone. But in this case, both those things affect me personally and while it may not be much, I think telling my personal story may be able to help with some of the assumptions others make about sexual assault and post traumatic stress disorder.

My first trauma came when I was much younger, and to be quite frank, was more like a sliver in a foot than a jagged knife to an artery. The problem with that trauma, however, was instead of removing the tiny piece of wood, cleaning out the wound, bandaging it up, and letting others know the sliver happened? I threw a band­aid on it and allowed it to slowly fester and rot beneath that bandage.

Ignoring every warning sign, every time the pain would overflow a little, I continued to apply bandage after bandage as the infection grew and began to slowly take over my life. Then at 19, when the other assault happened, it was like a stab wound to my already infected leg. Every part of me that had become rotten and broken exploded out and I left believing the leg would have to be amputated. Or I could die, did I not cut off all the broken pieces of me. I wasn't sure which was worse anymore.

We saved the leg, though.

I left school shortly following my assault and made it through what people would tell me was the darkest part of the night. I slowly began to acknowledge what had happened and therapy gave me four little letters for what my reaction was: PTSD. A diagnosis: post traumatic stress disorder. What no one told me about PTSD though, is that the darkest part of the night never completely ends­or at least it hasn't yet for me.

I really would love to be here talking about overcoming PTSD and the trauma, but I'm not there yet either. While I'm no longer in the middle of the hardest parts, the stress of my trauma is still significantly infiltrating my life. As I stated above, we saved the leg, but like anything that had been ignored, covered up, and slowly decaying for years, my leg was not back to the way it was before the injuries. I was not the same person as I was before my assaults. My coping skills were terrible, and I used all the wrong ones.

I slowly had to relearn how to live with the damage that had been done. Trauma adds an extra layer to every aspect of your life. Marriage, my relationship with friends, my faith in God...all had been tainted by the trauma I had lived through. Each step was harder than the last, but I slowly began to heal. I married a wonderful man, who helped me through the hard times. My relationship with friends slowly were grown back up. I regained a faith in God, leaning on Him as I forgave myself, God, and the person who hurt me.

Even pregnancy after sexual assault had it's own struggles and I found myself having to trust in God and myself. So many moments that should have been overrun with happiness left me uncomfortable and feeling out of control­something I never wanted again. My son's birth itself left me having panic attacks throughout it; my body was not mine for those hours and it caused flashbacks.

My second pregnancy has been easier though; life gets easier every day. I'm slowly coming closer to who I know God meant for me to be. This wasn't where I planned to be fifteen years ago, before my little heart knew the pain of trauma. But I am also not where I planned to be five years ago, directly following it either. And for that I am eternally grateful.

Some days seem harder. When the anniversary of the date goes by, I tend to have a rough week. Every so often, there come nights that are worse than others. But it's getting better. And I want anyone else out there living in life after trauma to know that.

I also want them to know they deserve to be allowed own what happened to them, however they want or need to own it. It took a long time for me to talk about these things; even now, my words are carefully considered as to not give away too many details. For me, I choose not to be completely open because the details should not be needed to confirm my trauma. What happened to me happened, and I'm living the “after” everyday. By the grace of God alone, I am making it through. The grace of God and the love of a few good people.

Life after trauma can be so hard. But it can also be beautiful, wonderful, and you find you have strength you never knew you had. If you take anything away from this moments with Lauren Jane, I hope you take away that even after trauma, life can be amazing.

Lauren Jane is a twenty-something mom blogger who is passionate about mental health, raising a Christian family, and foster care. Shel ives in the mountains of Western Massachusetts with five of her six kids (added through adoption, foster care, and biology) and her outdoorsman husband. You can follow along with Lauren and Bellows in the Berkshires on Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.

If you liked this Moments Guest Post, check out the others here. Have a story that you'd like to share on Currently, Kelsie? Contact me here with your idea!

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Kelsie

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